So pure.
Unaffected.
Passionate.
Innocent.
Breath-taking.

The way her arms wrap around my neck when I pick her up.
When I walk in the door & her sweet little voice says “Hiiii.”
Those sweet little kisses.
How she hugs that baby so tight.

Nothing compares to that of a child’s love.

Please know that the following post is a full on rant post about something that was said to me in regards to my life. While this person may or may not read my blog, names will be omitted and said person can take up with me the following words (and quite possibly language) that I may or may not feel is necessary.

I am a mother to two amazing, beautiful children.

They are my life.
They are my heart.
They are my soul.

They are prodigies of myself, and you want to know something? I would NOT have it any.
other.
way.
PERIOD.

While I may not be the best mother that I can possibly be 100% of the time, I do what I can.  I protect my children.  Love my children.  Give them all that they need and some of what they want.

You do NOT have the right to tell me if I am “living” or not.  To tell me that I am missing out on life is complete and utter bull shit! Just because I don’t find joy and happiness in the same “fun and simple things” that you do does not mean I am “missing out.”

At this point in time, my kids are too young to appreciate camping.  That would be more work than fun. We do go to the beach, but financial circumstances might make it less frequent that what you consider “living.”  Summer BBQ’s with friends, you say is “living.”  News flash, buddy.  When you have kids, those people who you thought were friends disappear.

For you to be a parent, have your child for 50% of the time, and tell me I’m not living says something.  As a parent, you should share the joys and happiness that comes with watching your little one grow up.  Nothing is more fulfilling.  No amount of parties, BBQs, or camping trips can amount to the feeling you get when your baby starts crawling, says her first word, or feeds herself.  OR when your preschooler brings home his first art project, first “report card” or when he shows you he can draw his letters and count to 10.

Raising a child has it downfalls, too.  They aren’t always happy, and sometimes you feel that you want to pull out your hair, scream, or lock yourself in the bathroom to cry.  They test every ounce of patience you have, and take it one step further.  Sometimes, I feel I am not cut out for this job of Mommy.  Plus, you don’t get to go out when you want, live carelessly like you once did, and let’s face it – your body is never the same (if you are a mom).  But hey, that’s what we sign up for when we have sex, right?  The possibility of pregnancy, no matter what efforts we make to prevent it or not. 

Go ahead, buddy, keep thinking I’m not living.  When push comes to shove, those friends will not always be around.  My children will.  We are flesh & blood, and family is forever.  You can not and will never take that away from me – no one will!  You may not understand that now, even though you have a child, but one day you will.  You will look back and kick yourself in the ass for not taking those extra moments.

My life is not all peaches and cream, by any means.  I have my struggles – at times my cheeks are stained from the tears I cry.  That is what makes me stronger.  What makes my life better. 

I feel. 
I hurt. 
I laugh. 
I love. 

 With all of my heart, I feel the weight of the pain of life.  The joys of life.

I am living my life.

You learn the true meaning of life.

There is an overwhelming force that drives you to keep your child(ren) safe.

Unconditional love is no longer something you imagine, but something that you can feel.

You realize that priorities change. Life rearranges. The world no longer revolves around you.

The true meaning of friendship becomes apparent. Those without children can never understand what a parent feels.

Then you realize. They aren’t true friends if they let your bundle of joy get in between the two of you.

I remember the friends I had. The relationship that I lost. I was 19 when I had Konnor. Barely out of school. At first, I could pawn him off on my mom to watch while I had fun from time to time. Mostly at her house, while Konnor slept in my room.

Looking back, I sucked at being a mom. I thought I was hot shit, when in reality, there was nothing hot about my relationship with my son. Sure, he knew who his mommy was, and he loved everything about me, but I wasn’t the best.

In almost four years, I have come so far. Honestly, I can say that I am proud of who I am. The mother I am. A woman. I have grown up.

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about the times I could party, spend all my money on myself, and quite frankly, not give a shit. I have driven under the influence, spent most my money on booze, and am a recovering nicotine addict. Sadly enough, some of the people who I used to hang out with still do all these things, and some do more.

Having children has tough me a lot about my life. But my children have also helped me cut out a lot of people in my life that never really mattered.

Stay tuned, Part 2 of this is coming up…….

Valentine’s Day… A day for love, a day for appreciation, and a day for…….. chocolate?

*gag*

Seriously.

I love being spoiled just as much as the next girl, but who is to say that Valentine’s Day has to be the only day to express your true feelings for someone?

This year, I made a vow to myself, and a silent vow to Justin (meaning he doesn’t know) to never take him for granted, and to tell him just how much I love and appreciate him.

Yesterday, I spent my Valentine’s Day with my love and my little loves – Justin, Konnor, and Ariana. We relaxed, we were lazy, and we enjoyed the company of one another.

Oh, of course Justin spoiled me (and himself a little) by going out and buying some goodies from Victoria’s Secret and I spoiled him with his Christmas/Anniversary/Valentine’s Day/Birthday gift by buying him a PS3. Yes, I know, I did it. Bought him the one gift I am going to kick myself in the ass for later. But hey, at least any game he plays on that thing can be put on pause, right?

In addition, we bought the kids each a cute little t-shirt, teddy bear, and some bubbles. Konnor and Ariana both adore bubbles, so we bought Konnor a bubble gun and Ariana a thing of bubbles. Hours of entertainment in the living room, and I can just vacuum that soapy goodness right up. Haha!

Besides going to Outback on Saturday night with Justin and Ariana, that was the extent of Valentine’s Day, 2010. Simple, sweet, and NO chocolate (just how I wanted it).

What did you do for Valentine’s Day? What did you receive? I want all the juicy details from my lovely readers!! :)

I am also proud of where I live.

I was born in Portland, Oregon.

I was raised in Portland, Oregon.

My mom was born and raised in Portland, Oregon.

As my children grow and learn, I want them to appreciate the finer things this state has to offer. Beach trips are frequent, and while the water isn’t as warm as Cali or Florida, the sweet simplicity of the waves crashing are enough to appreciate.

Ariana will meet her grandma for the first time in about four days.

Visiting from West Virginia, Justin’s mom flies in on Thursday, February 4th, 2010.  She will stay with us until her flight leaves on Sunday.

The day she flies in Ariana will be 8 months old.  Where has the time gone?!?!  We are three quarters of the way to her first birthday.  Wowzers.

So this week I have to clean.  I don’t just mean pick up the living room and kitchen and dining room.  We are talking a full, top to bottom, deep clean of my house.  The thought makes me sick to my stomach.  Having a little 2 bedroom apartment doesn’t always mean just a little bit to clean.

Also on the agenda, while we are at it, is baby-proofing.  Don’t get me wrong, I have been baby-proofing the house, but this will be an all out baby-proofing. 

That leads me to a question (or four)…. How do you prep for visits from the in-laws?  What should I expect?  Oh my gosh, I have never done this before! YIKES!

Also, so I don’t miss anything, give me a rundown of how you baby-proofed the house when your little ones decided to become mobile.  As much as I wish she wouldn’t do this just yet, here we are.  Ariana is crawling and apparently climbing too!! HELP!!!!!!

I remember growing up with my best friend, Becky.  In the back of my mind, we knew she would never grow old.  Never experience all of the wonderful things life had to offer.  I knew one day I would have to miss her like crazy. 

At the age of 10, all of these realizations came crashing down.  I lost her. 
Becky passed away June 28th, 1997 to Cystic Fibrosis. 

Thank you, Becky. For being there to guide me through all of life’s challenges. I can feel you watching over me when I feel like this world is too much for me. You guide me. You lift me up when I’m feeling down. You are everything a best friend should ever be. Even if you aren’t physically here on this earth with me.

She taught me to live life.  That good things come in small packages.  That life isn’t always fair, but everything happens for a reason.

I met Kristin when we were both pregnant with our daughters on a mommy board on the internet almsot a year ago.  Later finding out we lived in the same city(ish), we cliqued.  Talked about our pregnancies, our babies, our lives.  Eventually, we will meet.

When I found out about her BFF, Sandra, and the struggles she was facing, I felt helpless.  Her young daughter, Kayla, has Leukemia.  She was diagnosed in December of 2008 and has been fighting since.  Recently, she has been hospitalized again. 

Kayla is six.  She is a fighter.  When I read about her, it’s like reliving the battle with my best friend so many years ago.  Different battles, but much the same.

So what do I do to help?  She lives a state away, so I am limited.  Praying is a powerful thing, but personally, that doesn’t satisfy me.  What I want to do is take the sickness from Kayla and make her better!  Let her live the life the a normal little girl should live.  Without her knowing, Kayla has a special place in my heart.  Right next to me inner child.

Well, practically, I am unable to take it all away and make her better.  As much as I wish I could, I can’t.  So when I read Kristin’s post, Cards For Cancer – Kayla, I knew it was something I could do.  Such a simple gesture to make the day of a child.  You better believe I have a card, addressed, labeled, and stamped.  All I need is to put that card in the mail!!

Want to send Kayla a card?  She would be thrilled!!!

Cards may be mailed to:

Kayla Gronley
P.O. Box 5634
Blue Jay, Ca 92317

To Contact Sandra (her mom) by email ~ sanderella192003{at}yahoo{dot}com

Thank you, Kristin, for bringing awareness and starting (you started it, right?) this awesome idea!!!

ETA::: you can also visit here for more information.

Everyone, meet Justin.

Justin is my boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend. (no he doesn’t wear these glasses all the time.  they are mine) We are not married.  Marriage is but a piece of paper.  What he is the father of my daughter. The love of my life. 

I don’t give him enough credit. When I talk about him on my Facebook or on my Twitter, it’s generally when I’m angry. Or hurt. Or sad. Really, no one gets to hear about how wonderful Justin is.

He is my other half. The person I was meant to be with. Through thick and thin, we were meant to be. He is the one.

Though I have had reservations in the past, questions in my mind, those no longer exist. We have had good times, bad times, and times where we were on level ground. Despite all the times we have had, he has been there. When I was unable to work while pregnant with Ariana, he stayed. When he was laid off and looking for a job, I stayed. Through my depression this last holiday season, he was there. Holding my hand. And while he never said it, he was cheering me on, telling me it would all be okay.

Most don’t know our story. When we first met, it was online. *gasp* I know. Say what you will, but this seems more and more common as time goes on. Love has no boundaries and sure doesn’t grasp the concept of distance. So, while I was here in Oregon living my life, he was in West Virginia living his.

At first when we talked, it was casual. That time in my life was full of chaos and mayhem, and an ear was all he could offer me. I took it. I told him about life and the choices I was making and while he was mostly amused, you could also tell there was a bit of concern.

We stopped talking for years. Probably 5 or 6 to say the least. We both lived our different lives, on different sides of the United States. It wasn’t until I logged into Yahoo! on my cell phone that we reconnected. He IM’ed me and after a few hours of IMing him while at work, we exchanged numbers.

From there IMing turned to text and text turned to a phone call. The phone call. All night long (and I mean 9pm to 6am) we talked on the phone about everything. You name it, we talked about it. Even before I knew what was happening, we were falling.

Most people are cautious about love. Often holding back, they miss out on some of life’s greatest opportunities. Just getting out of my relationship with my son’s father, I was a little hesitant. But Justin and I were so right for each other.

Regardless of the distance, we made things work. From playing silly Yahoo! games on the internet, to simultaneously watching The Notebook while on the phone, we were a unique pair. I would leave cute messages on his MySpace, and he would send sweet text messages.

To make this long, adorable story short, not three months after we had started talking, and after a mini vacation to the east coast to visit him, he decided to move out to Oregon so we could be together. I took a flight to Illinois where he met me, and we drove the country together, through torrential downpours in one state, to high winds and country roads in another.

February 7th, 2010 marks two years since we made ourselves official. February 1st marks two years since we reunited and started talking again. Today we have a beautiful daughter to share our journey in life, and are closer than ever. Konnor and Justin adore each other, almost as much as Ariana and Justin do.

He picks up the kids everyday after work. Gets up with Ariana some nights when she doesn’t sleep through. He is a good sport about my crazy ideas and even though he is a picky eater, he will try new things that I cook.  Shopping isn’t one of his favorite things to do, but he will do it.  We are a team.

I love his smile.  His sense of humor.  The way he dresses.  His eyes.  When he is happy, mad, sad, upset, or being a pain in my ass, I still love him. 

Despite all of my mood swings and questions with our relationship, he is here. Always. Hopefully forever.

I love him. With every part of me that is capable of love.  Our journey in life thus far has tested us in so many way, and we have made it out on top.

Ariana has learned something new…. Dancing… Or that’s what I call it anyways.  It could be her rocking back and forth in an attempt to move where she wants to go.  However, when it is in conjuction with music, all bets are off – she dances.  See for yourself

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFM-G7M-DPo&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0xcc2550&color2=0xe87a9f]

This blog challenge is brought to you from Kristin.  Here is how it works:

Want something to do over the weekend? I’d like to introduce you to LAS FOTOS a new photography blog meme here at Our Ordinary Life. Every week bloggers will be asked to post a picture and/or story about the week. Or month, year. Throughout the year I will add in special contests and prizes for bloggers who participate. Have fun with it!

I know my awesome followers want to try this out!! I am going to take on this project in addition to my daily photography challenge on my other blog, JAKA365.  Between this challenge and my Project365 challenge, I am going to be living, breathing, loving photography.  :)

For this challenge:  Sibling Love

I talk so much about Konnor and Ariana and the bond that they are sharing, but in recent days it has blossomed into the most amazing thing I have ever seen.

Today, for nap, Konnor wanted to “take a nap with baby sister.”  I politely told him he couldn’t sleep in her crib to which he cried for a minute, before falling asleep in his own bed.

He is constantly playing with her.  Between sharing his toys and hers, they are constantly occupied and together.  They make my heart melt and my knees weak.  The cutest little duo, they played Peek-a-boo last night for a good 20 minutes.  Here they are watching cartoons together after bath time. :o)

It has become painfully clear that Mommy is not aloud to go potty. 

Leave the kids alone for 30 seconds and something is bound to happen.  Ariana eats an apple or rolls under the coffee table.  This kid is so mobile, and Konnor finds more and more ways to get them into trouble. 

I am going to have my hands full, aren’t I?

Sometimes life sends us on weird, crazy, absolutely terrible paths that seem bumpy and completely impassable.
Truth be told I thought I wasn’t going to be able to get through the holiday blues this year. As each minute drug into an hour which later became a day, I wanted to curl up and be DONE with it all. Things couldn’t get worse. Struggling to get up each day, running away seemed to be my only getaway.
Waiting for the inevitable, I watched the depression blanket my heart. Konnor and Ariana no longer seemed to warm my heart, and I thought for sure I was going to give up. I could see them drifting further and further away. Writing, blogging, photographing were all chores not, not happiness.  No fight left in me, I waited for the storm to pass. Or engulf me into eternal sadness.
As I waited, however, I realized something. My name is Alexandra. The one that ran away as a Sophomore. The same girl that dealt with death, sadness, divorce. I have a mother who has been to hell and back in life, and raising me was far from easy. Emotional as I may be, I am stubborn and strong. Why in the hell am I sitting here, feeling sorry for myself? I have been in worse situations. Now I am a mother, and life has thrown me curves, but those two little faces mean more to me than this world could ever give me.
Standing up and brushing myself off, my determination to get through this darkness in my life started.
Between positive thoughts and a strong support system, I broke through. Knowing that two little smiles, four beautiful eyes, and voices as loud as my own, needed me was what really pulled me. You see, one’s heart is not really able to be full of sadness when you are consumed by so much unconditional love.
Over the last month or so, I have learned that I need to slow down. Take it all in. Realize that I have come so far to get where I am today. Things don’t always go how I want them to, but that is part of life. For a moment in time I forgot the saying I live by: everything happens for a reason. Fact.
And all of a sudden, the little things, which is most important to me, matter again. I have a new appreciation for the world around me. Again, I am happy.