It has been 13 years since I saw my best friend.   The person that I spent countless days and nights with, laughing, giggling, and doing what typical 10 year old girls do.  That was back when Kitchen Little was cool.  Back when we could play with Barbies.  Back when we tortured our little brothers.  When we were in Girl Scouts together.

13 years and 1 day ago I found out the inevitable was upon us.  Then, 12 years and 364 days ago I lost that best friend. The one person that I really truly trusted and loved. Overcome by a disease that she was born with and had no control over.  Every one of the days in her 10 year life she fought.  Fought for her life, fought against the disease that was consuming her, and fought for her right to have fun.

Cystic Fibrosis took my best friend from me 12 years and 364 days ago.  To this day, the pain is still there.  While most days it is buried in some part of my heart or the other, I am almost unaffected.  There are other days, however, where the pain of losing her hits like it was just yesterday I found out.

My mom told me one day that Becky was extremely sick, in the hospital, and ultimately, wouldn’t be coming home.  As a mother, how do you explain death to a 10 year old child?  How do you, as a 10 year old little girl, grasp the concept of death?  Really, how does anyone grasp the concept of death?  You don’t.  At least I didn’t.  Not at 10.  All that can really be grasped is that soon, that best friend will no longer be able to play with you, laugh with you, or have sleepovers with you.  I cried for a long while on the couch with my mom that night after she told me, because really, that’s all that I could do.

The pain for me as a 10 year old must not be anything compared to that of her mother.  As a mother myself now, I couldn’t imagine what the pain of losing a child is like.  Everything that is associated with death and the arrangements that have to be made is all too much to comprehend.  Plus, this same mourning mother had to explain to her  toddler son why his sister wasn’t coming home.

As of the year 2000, (just 3 years after she passed away) the median predicted age of survival (or life expectancy) for a person with Cystic Fibrosis was 32 years old.  Still very much too young to lose your life.  You see, Cystic Fibrosis has no cure.  It is said that with certain treatments or therapies, and proper nutrition, can lengthen and improve the quality of life for those with CF.  Lung transplants are often an option for CF patients, and while Becky was on the list, she never received her new lungs.

Becky watches over me, my family, and everyone else she ever loved.  She will forever be in my heart, and I find myself sometimes talking to her.  There are times where I wonder what she’d be like today.  In my mind, I imagine she looks the same, though a bit more mature.  Would she have babies of her own?  Would she be married?  Would we still be friends?  She was too good for this world, and was meant to watch over us all from Heaven.

Rest In Peace, my friend.  I love you.

If you want to read another post I wrote for her a few years ago, you may find it here.

So pure.
Unaffected.
Passionate.
Innocent.
Breath-taking.

The way her arms wrap around my neck when I pick her up.
When I walk in the door & her sweet little voice says “Hiiii.”
Those sweet little kisses.
How she hugs that baby so tight.

Nothing compares to that of a child’s love.

“Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad.”
– Anne Geddes

When you came into my life, not so long ago, I didn’t know what to expect. You had said you weren’t sure about having children, yet you knew Konnor was my life. You not only accepted Konnor, but took to him. Even if you never said it, you could just tell that you adored him. He may not have been yours but since you walked into our lives, you have been like a dad to him.

It wasn’t long after we began our journey in life that we found out we were expecting. Scared at first, I could tell you weren’t ready for a baby of your own. That’s okay, who really is 100% ready until their brand new baby is placed into their arms? That’s how it went, too. Up until she was born, I’m not sure it really sank in that we were going to have a baby.

June of 2009 came far too quick, and when you held our little princess in your arms for the first time, you were scared. But you were also so very happy.  It was then I knew you were cut out to be a Daddy, you just needed to be there before you could fully take on the role.

From diapers to tears, spit up and giggles, you have done it all.  In the last year you have grown and learned so much from Ariana.  Not only are you cut out for this Daddy business but you rock it, babe!  You interact with her and Konnor and adore them both so much.

You are an amazing father, Justin. You love your baby girl so much, and love Konnor too. It really does take someone special to be a Daddy, and you are indeed someone special.

I love you! Happy Father’s Day!

Love,
Me

Please know that the following post is a full on rant post about something that was said to me in regards to my life. While this person may or may not read my blog, names will be omitted and said person can take up with me the following words (and quite possibly language) that I may or may not feel is necessary.

I am a mother to two amazing, beautiful children.

They are my life.
They are my heart.
They are my soul.

They are prodigies of myself, and you want to know something? I would NOT have it any.
other.
way.
PERIOD.

While I may not be the best mother that I can possibly be 100% of the time, I do what I can.  I protect my children.  Love my children.  Give them all that they need and some of what they want.

You do NOT have the right to tell me if I am “living” or not.  To tell me that I am missing out on life is complete and utter bull shit! Just because I don’t find joy and happiness in the same “fun and simple things” that you do does not mean I am “missing out.”

At this point in time, my kids are too young to appreciate camping.  That would be more work than fun. We do go to the beach, but financial circumstances might make it less frequent that what you consider “living.”  Summer BBQ’s with friends, you say is “living.”  News flash, buddy.  When you have kids, those people who you thought were friends disappear.

For you to be a parent, have your child for 50% of the time, and tell me I’m not living says something.  As a parent, you should share the joys and happiness that comes with watching your little one grow up.  Nothing is more fulfilling.  No amount of parties, BBQs, or camping trips can amount to the feeling you get when your baby starts crawling, says her first word, or feeds herself.  OR when your preschooler brings home his first art project, first “report card” or when he shows you he can draw his letters and count to 10.

Raising a child has it downfalls, too.  They aren’t always happy, and sometimes you feel that you want to pull out your hair, scream, or lock yourself in the bathroom to cry.  They test every ounce of patience you have, and take it one step further.  Sometimes, I feel I am not cut out for this job of Mommy.  Plus, you don’t get to go out when you want, live carelessly like you once did, and let’s face it – your body is never the same (if you are a mom).  But hey, that’s what we sign up for when we have sex, right?  The possibility of pregnancy, no matter what efforts we make to prevent it or not. 

Go ahead, buddy, keep thinking I’m not living.  When push comes to shove, those friends will not always be around.  My children will.  We are flesh & blood, and family is forever.  You can not and will never take that away from me – no one will!  You may not understand that now, even though you have a child, but one day you will.  You will look back and kick yourself in the ass for not taking those extra moments.

My life is not all peaches and cream, by any means.  I have my struggles – at times my cheeks are stained from the tears I cry.  That is what makes me stronger.  What makes my life better. 

I feel. 
I hurt. 
I laugh. 
I love. 

 With all of my heart, I feel the weight of the pain of life.  The joys of life.

I am living my life.

Hey everyone!

I have taken a little bit of hiatus this past week. My apologies. Konnor’s birthday was this past weekend, and I have just felt so blah.

Dealing with some issues in my life, I am working hard to find peace.

If I can manage to snag my mom’s memory card, I will be able to post Konnor’s birthday, which was too much fun! He played, laughed, and had a great time. :) I love my family and friends. There were some flakes, but what are ya gonna do?

I also bought a new camera! It’s a DSLR and I couldn’t be more excited! Because I haven’t felt well, I don’t have too much to show for it, but I have a few snapshots to post later this evening, if I feel up to it.

Kristin, Jackie, and I are working hard on the babies Birthday Celebrations and I couldn’t be more excited to show you! This will not only be my first event, but also one of my first set of giveaways.

Yes, I said one of my FIRST. I will be posting a review/giveaway in the next few days, so stay tuned for that. :) I’m really excited!

Besides that, I’ve been working hard and am totally exhausted by the time I get home. We have had nice weather here in Oregon (until today), so the kids and I are really trying to take advantage of that.

ALSO, making changes in my health and diet is my first step in losing weight and becoming a healthier version of myself. I have also been challenged to a weight loss competition, so Speedy and I are head to head to see who can lose twenty pounds the fastest. My goal before was to lose thirty by June 1st, and I’m hoping her challenge is the push I need to get this baby weight OFF!

I created my banner using Photoshop. 

My first ever creation. 

Like, seriously, ever.

So far, I absolutely adore Photoshop, but it is going to take some getting used to.

I like to give credit where credit is due.  Therefore, I’d like to thank Rebecca’s Scrapping Silliness for her Karmatic Impact freebie that I was able to download.  Not everything in my banner came from her freebie, but a good majority of it did.  Using a couple elements that were in my misc scrap folder, and some re-coloring in Photoshop, my banner was born!

In the coming days, I am hoping to re-do my button, and my contact info.  Maybe, eventually, I’ll be able to make my very own layout.  Haha, okay maybe not. :)

Sometimes, having an infant totally and completely stinks!

There’s not much you can do for a sick baby.  The fever, sure.  They have fever reducer for infants.  That’s great.  However, that does nothing for Ariana’s cough.  The congestion.  The sheer misery (to her) of not being able to breathe out of her nose.  Everytime she coughs, she cries because her throat is so raw!

Poor thing is miserable.

The closest thing we can get to “help” for her is Vicks BabyRub, which is just like Vicks VapoRub but intended for babies ages 3months and up.  Either that, or let her be in the tub all day, which, by the way, she would love!!!

Last night, I didn’t know what we were going to do.  She was crying and crying, and nothing I could do would comfort her.  I thought about the Vicks we had in the cupboard, but knew the adult version isn’t good for babies.

Then it hit me – DUH!  I have the Vicks BabyRub in with the rest of her bath time lotions and body wash. 

I can’t say that she slept like a baby, but she definitely slept better than the previous two nights.

This morning she is super congested, still, but it sounds like things are breaking up in her chest, and her cough sounds more productive than it has all week.  Perhaps it is a sign of good things to come!!

Do any of you have any other suggestions for a baby with a cough/congestion/stuffy nose?  I’d love to hear them!!!

Ever since I had Konnor, I have never been at the top of the priority list.  Purposely putting myself after others, I don’t often have the newest clothes, the coolest phone, or other spiffy things.

Yesterday, I bought a laptop.  Four hundred dollars of something just for me!  After purchasing my new Toshiba, I am feeling the normal guilt that I feel after buying something for myself.

After battling with myself, “oh that $400 could have gone here or we could have done this,” I took a step back.  No, really, this was a good investment.  With Justin on the computer as much as he is, I need this. 

What do I need a laptop for?

Well I really need it to keep up on JAKA365, which is my photo blog.  If you haven’t seen it, check it out!

But I also need it to keep up with this blog.  If I have the desire to start reviews, the need for my own computer is pretty obvious.

More than anything, though, I wanted my own computer so that I could access the internet when I wanted to.  My phone’s internet isn’t fast nor reliable, and to be honest, typing with a Blackberry isn’t fun.  Haha.

So here she is.  My new computer.  Nothing grand.  Nothing fancy.  Nothing to drop your jaw over.  Honestly, though, I don’t need any of that.  Just something simple to blog and edit photos with. :)

You learn the true meaning of life.

There is an overwhelming force that drives you to keep your child(ren) safe.

Unconditional love is no longer something you imagine, but something that you can feel.

You realize that priorities change. Life rearranges. The world no longer revolves around you.

The true meaning of friendship becomes apparent. Those without children can never understand what a parent feels.

Then you realize. They aren’t true friends if they let your bundle of joy get in between the two of you.

I remember the friends I had. The relationship that I lost. I was 19 when I had Konnor. Barely out of school. At first, I could pawn him off on my mom to watch while I had fun from time to time. Mostly at her house, while Konnor slept in my room.

Looking back, I sucked at being a mom. I thought I was hot shit, when in reality, there was nothing hot about my relationship with my son. Sure, he knew who his mommy was, and he loved everything about me, but I wasn’t the best.

In almost four years, I have come so far. Honestly, I can say that I am proud of who I am. The mother I am. A woman. I have grown up.

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about the times I could party, spend all my money on myself, and quite frankly, not give a shit. I have driven under the influence, spent most my money on booze, and am a recovering nicotine addict. Sadly enough, some of the people who I used to hang out with still do all these things, and some do more.

Having children has tough me a lot about my life. But my children have also helped me cut out a lot of people in my life that never really mattered.

Stay tuned, Part 2 of this is coming up…….

Valentine’s Day… A day for love, a day for appreciation, and a day for…….. chocolate?

*gag*

Seriously.

I love being spoiled just as much as the next girl, but who is to say that Valentine’s Day has to be the only day to express your true feelings for someone?

This year, I made a vow to myself, and a silent vow to Justin (meaning he doesn’t know) to never take him for granted, and to tell him just how much I love and appreciate him.

Yesterday, I spent my Valentine’s Day with my love and my little loves – Justin, Konnor, and Ariana. We relaxed, we were lazy, and we enjoyed the company of one another.

Oh, of course Justin spoiled me (and himself a little) by going out and buying some goodies from Victoria’s Secret and I spoiled him with his Christmas/Anniversary/Valentine’s Day/Birthday gift by buying him a PS3. Yes, I know, I did it. Bought him the one gift I am going to kick myself in the ass for later. But hey, at least any game he plays on that thing can be put on pause, right?

In addition, we bought the kids each a cute little t-shirt, teddy bear, and some bubbles. Konnor and Ariana both adore bubbles, so we bought Konnor a bubble gun and Ariana a thing of bubbles. Hours of entertainment in the living room, and I can just vacuum that soapy goodness right up. Haha!

Besides going to Outback on Saturday night with Justin and Ariana, that was the extent of Valentine’s Day, 2010. Simple, sweet, and NO chocolate (just how I wanted it).

What did you do for Valentine’s Day? What did you receive? I want all the juicy details from my lovely readers!! :)

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

In December it was announced that General Mills would be reducing sugar in their cereals ever more than they already had been.  They committed to reducing the sugar in their cereals to less than 10g per serving!  *goes to look in pantry*  Now, I can tell you that we have other brands of cereal (that are not General Mills) and not one of those cereals have less than 10g of sugar per serving.

Ariana will meet her grandma for the first time in about four days.

Visiting from West Virginia, Justin’s mom flies in on Thursday, February 4th, 2010.  She will stay with us until her flight leaves on Sunday.

The day she flies in Ariana will be 8 months old.  Where has the time gone?!?!  We are three quarters of the way to her first birthday.  Wowzers.

So this week I have to clean.  I don’t just mean pick up the living room and kitchen and dining room.  We are talking a full, top to bottom, deep clean of my house.  The thought makes me sick to my stomach.  Having a little 2 bedroom apartment doesn’t always mean just a little bit to clean.

Also on the agenda, while we are at it, is baby-proofing.  Don’t get me wrong, I have been baby-proofing the house, but this will be an all out baby-proofing. 

That leads me to a question (or four)…. How do you prep for visits from the in-laws?  What should I expect?  Oh my gosh, I have never done this before! YIKES!

Also, so I don’t miss anything, give me a rundown of how you baby-proofed the house when your little ones decided to become mobile.  As much as I wish she wouldn’t do this just yet, here we are.  Ariana is crawling and apparently climbing too!! HELP!!!!!!