Today’s trigger didn’t start out because of my Sperm Donor, but something in Facebook set me off, and now that is all that my emotional state of mind can think of. 

I have told you about my dad abandoning us when I was 13, about how I let him back in, and how he abandoned me (and this time my children) again not more than a year ago.  In case you missed that, you can read that here. 

Being a total emotional mess from an earlier incident, I spent about 45 minutes on the Status Shuffle application this evening, and came across one that really took my emotions to a whole new level. 

Never did I think that reading something so “innocent” could affect me the way that this has.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  I am broken.  The wound I have worked so hard to close up in the last year came ripping back open, worse than before. 

HOW DO YOU JUST ABANDON YOUR KIDS?!?!  Your grandkids, too???  What did we do to you that would make you walk out? 

Oh wait, I already know that answer.  Drugs.  Alcohol.  Gambling.  Substance abuse…… 

Mostly it all just makes me angry and like I never want to fucking see him again.  All of which is why I refer to him as my Sperm Donor instead of my father.  He hasn’t been a father in a long time. 

However, tonight I am upset.  Blubbering like a fucking idiot over someone who doesn’t give a damn.  Who chooses not to see me, my siblings, or my children.  Who would rather live out his life (what is left of it) doing drugs over watching his family grow??? 

There are parents out there who are taken from this world before they get to see their families grow, or before they are blessed with grandchildren.  It’s such a waste of space for someone who doesn’t give a shit to be allowed to stay, and the good parents go.  He chooses not to be around while others have no choice. 

Does he remember that I have his nose?  I wonder if he remember that his stubbly toes were passed down to me.  Or how about what game he played with Konnor to gain his trust?  Does he remember what Ariana looks like – it’s been a year.  She has changed so much since then, and he’s missed it all. 

I don’t know where he lives (for sure) or if he ever wonders “Hey, I wonder what my daughter is doing?” or “What grades are my kids getting in school?”  My brother and sister, while younger when said abandonment took place, still feel the effects of his choices today.  My sister has recently started counseling and admitted to me that the anger she feels towards him gets to be too much for her at times.  She doesn’t have a release – just holds it all in. 

Why would anyone want to put their children through that pain and heart ache? 

Now that I have written this all out, I am just back to being fucking pissed off.  My eyes burn from the tears that have fallen today.  The exhaustion one gets from being emotionally distraught has left me with little more than the energy to finish this post. 

I used to be Daddy’s Little Girl…………

Christmas of 2009 was pretty much awesome. My mom bought me an iPod Nano which I totally wanted, but didn’t expect to get. Come on, I’m 22 years old (or was at that time), and have three younger siblings who still live at home.

Was. Not. Expecting. It.

My iPod almost instantly became like another child to me. I was able to fill almost all 8GB worth of storage in just two days. What? I love my music!

You can imagine the heartbreak I felt when I pulled my sweet baby out of the bottom of the washing machine one cold day in February. Devastation. Instant tears. Cursing. I pressed all of the buttons, fully expecting it to do nothing but secretly hoping it loved me almost as much as I loved it.

Nothing.

Please Note: You should completely submerge device in rice.

More tears followed.

Depressed, I told co-workers the next day of my tragic loss.  Someone mentioned putting it in a bowl of uncooked white rice to absorb the moisture.

Preposterous!  Could it really be that easy?

Pffft, nope.  I waited a week. Two weeks.  Four weeks.  Eight weeks.  Periodically, I would push the “on” button, hoping my poor iPod would spring to life.  Every single time, my heart would break again.

Finally, I just left it in the bowl of rice and forgot about it.

Until I was cleaning my desk at work out yesterday, and found my computer cable at the bottom.  (I used to charge my iPod while at work so I could cling to some sanity while doing my job).  Another crack in my already fragile heart, I put the cable in my purse, fully intending to take it to my mom’s house so that they would have an extra (since my three younger siblings all have iPods).

It wasn’t until Ariana decided to take the cable out of my purse that I remembered it was there.  Eh, what’s the harm, I thought to myself as I plugged it into my computer and headed for the kitchen.  Letting out a deep sigh, I picked my iPod out of the bowl of rice, and went back to my laptop.  There was no way this was going to work, and really, I knew that I was setting myself up for the final heartbreak in this sad sad story.

If I were to tell you that I didn’t hold my breath while I plugged the cord into the device, I would be lying.  An eternity seemed to pass after it was connected.  Then………

THERE WAS LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, my iPod lives!!!!!  I jumped up and down in excitement holding the little device to my chest, squealing with excitement like a little school girl.  On the verge of happy tears but still a little apprehensive as to whether it would actually work, I wasted no time downloading the newest version of iTunes to see if all my music was there and if my iPod would play.

I am happy to report, my friends, that it does!!!  After sitting in rice for approximately seven months, my iPod is fully functional!  There are a couple scratches on the inside of the screen, no doubt water damage, but it doesn’t seem to (at this time) cause any issues.  For now, it is just cosmetic damage.  Other than that?  It is the same, sweet iPod that my mom bought me for Christmas!

Moral of the story?  Don’t put your iPod in the washing machine.

Secondary moral of the story?  If you screw up and get your iPod wet, PUT IT IN RICE!!! IT REALLY WORKS!! (and really, this should work with any electronic device)

I feel entirely guilty for what I had to do today.

We had some unexpected expenses that came up, causing a short fall in funding this past week.

Well, we also happened to run out of milk and bread today, which is of course a big deal when you have a 15 month old who loves her milk and a 4 1/2 year old who adores his PB&Js.

I broke into my children’s piggy banks.  Something I promised that I would never do.  When I put money into those little piggies, I make a silent vow to my children and allow that change to become theirs.

Today, I felt like a bad Mommy.

But I also learned today that there are some sacrifices that must be made in order to keep your children happy and healthy.  There are things in life that are out of my control, as much as I wish them not to be.  That family is meant to be there for one another, no matter what.  They don’t understand how they are helping, or even realize that they did.

There is an IOU in each of their piggy banks today because combined, I owe my babies $6.25.  And come next week, when the funds aren’t so tight, and I can breathe again, they will be repaid for allowing Mommy to use their money to buy bread, milk and “eeeshies (pictured below).”

You learn the true meaning of life.

There is an overwhelming force that drives you to keep your child(ren) safe.

Unconditional love is no longer something you imagine, but something that you can feel.

You realize that priorities change. Life rearranges. The world no longer revolves around you.

The true meaning of friendship becomes apparent. Those without children can never understand what a parent feels.

Then you realize. They aren’t true friends if they let your bundle of joy get in between the two of you.

I remember the friends I had. The relationship that I lost. I was 19 when I had Konnor. Barely out of school. At first, I could pawn him off on my mom to watch while I had fun from time to time. Mostly at her house, while Konnor slept in my room.

Looking back, I sucked at being a mom. I thought I was hot shit, when in reality, there was nothing hot about my relationship with my son. Sure, he knew who his mommy was, and he loved everything about me, but I wasn’t the best.

In almost four years, I have come so far. Honestly, I can say that I am proud of who I am. The mother I am. A woman. I have grown up.

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about the times I could party, spend all my money on myself, and quite frankly, not give a shit. I have driven under the influence, spent most my money on booze, and am a recovering nicotine addict. Sadly enough, some of the people who I used to hang out with still do all these things, and some do more.

Having children has tough me a lot about my life. But my children have also helped me cut out a lot of people in my life that never really mattered.

Stay tuned, Part 2 of this is coming up…….