You learn the true meaning of life.

There is an overwhelming force that drives you to keep your child(ren) safe.

Unconditional love is no longer something you imagine, but something that you can feel.

You realize that priorities change. Life rearranges. The world no longer revolves around you.

The true meaning of friendship becomes apparent. Those without children can never understand what a parent feels.

Then you realize. They aren’t true friends if they let your bundle of joy get in between the two of you.

I remember the friends I had. The relationship that I lost. I was 19 when I had Konnor. Barely out of school. At first, I could pawn him off on my mom to watch while I had fun from time to time. Mostly at her house, while Konnor slept in my room.

Looking back, I sucked at being a mom. I thought I was hot shit, when in reality, there was nothing hot about my relationship with my son. Sure, he knew who his mommy was, and he loved everything about me, but I wasn’t the best.

In almost four years, I have come so far. Honestly, I can say that I am proud of who I am. The mother I am. A woman. I have grown up.

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about the times I could party, spend all my money on myself, and quite frankly, not give a shit. I have driven under the influence, spent most my money on booze, and am a recovering nicotine addict. Sadly enough, some of the people who I used to hang out with still do all these things, and some do more.

Having children has tough me a lot about my life. But my children have also helped me cut out a lot of people in my life that never really mattered.

Stay tuned, Part 2 of this is coming up…….

Do you ever have those moments when you feel you just aren’t cut out for parent hood?

I mean, I have two kids now.  I have been down the infant road.  This is the second journey, and all of a sudden, doubting myself is kicking in.

All these crazy outlandish things that my daughter has done to hurt herself only happens when I am alone.  With both kids.  After Ariana choked and we had to call 911, I was freaking out thinking that the children’s hospital would call Child Protective Services on me for having objects small enough for her to swallow within her reach.  Thankfully, they didn’t.

Today, everyone is having a nice little nap.  Sleeping peacefully.  Konnor in his bed, Ariana in her crib with me sleeping in my bed next to her.  Two hours worth of golden silence and pleasant dreams only to be ripped apart by a gigantic crash and an infant screaming at the top of her lungs.

I jumped out of bed and picked her up so fast I swear I didn’t know what I was doing until we were both back in my bed.  Examining her for bumps, protruding bones, and blood, I came to the conclusion that there was no need to call 911 just yet.

How she fell out of her crib is almost a mystery, but maybe more so to my “i-can’t-believe-she’s-growing-so-fast” side as opposed to an outsider’s view.  She gets on her hands and knees, she sits up, she crawls, and I suppose this was her showing me that she can, indeed, pull her self up on objects.  From what I can figure, she just pulled herself right up and over she went, which is surely a red flag. 

Time for mommy to lower the crib mattress to the next level.

Back to my original thought, however; this all makes me wonder if I am cut out for this baby thing.  I am seriously questioning my parental skills and instincts in which are used and needed to raise a child.  And, for that matter, there should be absolutely no need to question such skills, since they started maturing at the age of………… Oh when was my sister born?  Tenish. 

Does anyone else have these days where they feel nothing has been or can go right?  I am at a loss with myself, and while I’m sure I’m just having a bad day, this is sort of bothering me. 

Had I been awake, this couldn’t have happened.  If I had lowered the crib when she started crawling, she wouldn’t have fallen out.  What if she broke her neck?? What would I have told Justin and my family?!?!

Time to go lower the crib.  Like, yes, RIGHT NOW!!!

Everyone, meet Justin.

Justin is my boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend. (no he doesn’t wear these glasses all the time.  they are mine) We are not married.  Marriage is but a piece of paper.  What he is the father of my daughter. The love of my life. 

I don’t give him enough credit. When I talk about him on my Facebook or on my Twitter, it’s generally when I’m angry. Or hurt. Or sad. Really, no one gets to hear about how wonderful Justin is.

He is my other half. The person I was meant to be with. Through thick and thin, we were meant to be. He is the one.

Though I have had reservations in the past, questions in my mind, those no longer exist. We have had good times, bad times, and times where we were on level ground. Despite all the times we have had, he has been there. When I was unable to work while pregnant with Ariana, he stayed. When he was laid off and looking for a job, I stayed. Through my depression this last holiday season, he was there. Holding my hand. And while he never said it, he was cheering me on, telling me it would all be okay.

Most don’t know our story. When we first met, it was online. *gasp* I know. Say what you will, but this seems more and more common as time goes on. Love has no boundaries and sure doesn’t grasp the concept of distance. So, while I was here in Oregon living my life, he was in West Virginia living his.

At first when we talked, it was casual. That time in my life was full of chaos and mayhem, and an ear was all he could offer me. I took it. I told him about life and the choices I was making and while he was mostly amused, you could also tell there was a bit of concern.

We stopped talking for years. Probably 5 or 6 to say the least. We both lived our different lives, on different sides of the United States. It wasn’t until I logged into Yahoo! on my cell phone that we reconnected. He IM’ed me and after a few hours of IMing him while at work, we exchanged numbers.

From there IMing turned to text and text turned to a phone call. The phone call. All night long (and I mean 9pm to 6am) we talked on the phone about everything. You name it, we talked about it. Even before I knew what was happening, we were falling.

Most people are cautious about love. Often holding back, they miss out on some of life’s greatest opportunities. Just getting out of my relationship with my son’s father, I was a little hesitant. But Justin and I were so right for each other.

Regardless of the distance, we made things work. From playing silly Yahoo! games on the internet, to simultaneously watching The Notebook while on the phone, we were a unique pair. I would leave cute messages on his MySpace, and he would send sweet text messages.

To make this long, adorable story short, not three months after we had started talking, and after a mini vacation to the east coast to visit him, he decided to move out to Oregon so we could be together. I took a flight to Illinois where he met me, and we drove the country together, through torrential downpours in one state, to high winds and country roads in another.

February 7th, 2010 marks two years since we made ourselves official. February 1st marks two years since we reunited and started talking again. Today we have a beautiful daughter to share our journey in life, and are closer than ever. Konnor and Justin adore each other, almost as much as Ariana and Justin do.

He picks up the kids everyday after work. Gets up with Ariana some nights when she doesn’t sleep through. He is a good sport about my crazy ideas and even though he is a picky eater, he will try new things that I cook.  Shopping isn’t one of his favorite things to do, but he will do it.  We are a team.

I love his smile.  His sense of humor.  The way he dresses.  His eyes.  When he is happy, mad, sad, upset, or being a pain in my ass, I still love him. 

Despite all of my mood swings and questions with our relationship, he is here. Always. Hopefully forever.

I love him. With every part of me that is capable of love.  Our journey in life thus far has tested us in so many way, and we have made it out on top.